Oh Golly...All that hard work, new plan

So cut, I got sick and lost the weight I gained.

New plan, I'm going to dig out a pair of jeans I have that would fit me if I was my ideal weight and I'll take a pcture of them on me now, and then do like a progress report. It's more of an incentive for me and I believe it will promote a better body image to others because most people tell me how they wish they were as skinny as me, so I'll take a picture in jeans that don't fit and show them how change-room mirrors arent always friends, even for skinny girls.

Its important to understand that the clothes you see us in didnt just appear out of nowhere, we had to find them to fit our bodies just like overweight people do or about 90% of girls because they have gig thighs or boobs and don't fit into that standard size 8.

Never assume that we can just wear anything, there have been many times where I have looked in the mirror after trying a pair of jeans on and cried, just as over weight girls do. Just because its too big, still means it doesnt fit, and its just the same as when something doesnt fit because its too small. Its still the whole scenario of wanting something and it not looking the way you want it to despite looking a certain way on other people.

Love...

All I ever really want is for someone to tickle my back and play with my hair and stick around for idk...the rest of my life?

That would be nice.

Of course there are other things I want in someone, but those two are surprisingly hard to come by.

Day 14 weight in (22nd of may)

40.5 kgs. That puts my total gain at 2.5 kgs.

Wow, 2 weeks and TWO AND A HALF KILOGRAMS. That is amazing results for me. I have been trying to put on weight for so long! I'm so happy and I would recommend protein shakes to anyone, and I'm only using your everyday supermarket variety, I havent even gone up into the body building strengths!

Next I think I need to hit the gym (if only I could find time) and work on my sleeping pattern.

I've noticed a difference in my health, I don't feel as lethargic and have much more energy, although I still get tired easily I seem to be getting more done and without the help of energy drink. (I know its very bad for you but it helped me get motivated with things like study).

Hi John, Im going to respond here :)

I'm going to reply to your comment in a new post because it touches on another issue I wanted to talk about.

John Said...

"I think its strange that while in the relationship that you didnt feel any of the happy clicks of companionship, yet once it ended you felt the pain.
I wish I could say something helpful, but ive been alone so long that I feel a comfort in being so.

It took awhile for me to learn an understand what 40kg is, but I have finally, From what I understand, if your like 5 feet tall, then that could be really thin. Some guys find that very attractive. I dont recall you saying that youve been sick this year, so your health seems fine. Fat people get colds often. I think a plus of being underweight is that its much easier to gain muscle.

Anyways, Stay strong, and in time a better man will come along."

Firstly on the relationship topic, yes the pain I felt mde me wonder if I had felt more than I initially thought.

Now about my weight, yes I am around 5ft tall which makes 40kgs super skinny but only bordering on sickly skinny (to look at). Some guys find it as an attractive quality but most will compliment on other things and then later on down the track say that I need to put a bit of weight on. Usually along the lines of "Your gorgeous but it wouldn't hurt to put a couple of kilos on" which is completely true! I do need to. The WORRYING part about being this skinny is the compliments I get from other girls. Some strangers will even stop me in bars and clubs and point out to their friends how "amazingly skinny" I am and continue with something like "Gee I wish I could be that skinny". It is so very wrong!!! I always tell these girls how I am actually underweight and not in a healthy weight range and have complications because of it because I hate to think of myself as some sort of skinny role model for the girls who think they are fat.


So the guys don't see it as a fantastic asset but the girls do. And who are us girls trying to impress? I always argue with friends that alot of the clothes we wear don't appeal to guys but to girls. Lets face it, some of the fashion trends just arent flattering *cough cough* herem pants.

A Break up

I had been dating someone for a few weeks and we decided to call it official, but it just didnt feel right, hence why I never spoke about it on here. It occurred to me that it wasn't right when a family friend said "Oh so its all new and exciting, yer" and I looked at her confused. She explained she meant how its exciting with all the "firsts". I thought to myself how I had totally forgotten about this aspect of a new relationship because ours wasnt like that. He was lovely and sweet and very much into me but he didn't give me butterflies or make me nervous and the real nail in the breakup coffin was when I realized I barely thought about him. When I did it would just be wondering what he was up to or when he would be home from work. I never fantasized about growing old together or getting married or having kids. As much as girls don't admit it, a large majority do do this, just to different extents.

So I broke it off, and now I'm single and going through the breakup motions. First I felt a sense of freedom, but once the in depth phone conversation ended and I retreated to my room to sleep, I just felt plain alone. Oh yer ... right... this is what sucks about being single...I almost forgot. I even had a shocking dream last night, woke up in an empty house as parents were already at work, I had no one to share it with. Reached for my phone, 7am.  No one I know is awake that early that I would want to share it with, no one but him would understand.

My day is off to a great start as tears well up in my eyes.

When your Young and Dumb

Its hard to describe the way I feel at the moment. I'm am having a very stressful day. Work keeps handing me new tasks and the responsibilties are very different to what I first thought I was in for, and in an ideal world most people (especially those on the outside) go woohoo, promotion, in reality its not making me feel so good.

I'm beginning to look back on what I used to do and wish I could go back to when it was simple and straight forward, when my job description could of been defined in bullet form using only 3 lines.

On another note I thought I found someone I could be happy with, I was wrong.

Day 4 Weigh In

39.2kgs

A gain of 1.2kgs in 4 days.

My body does this, I'll rapidly increase until the 40kg mark and then rapidly decrease.

Interestingly enough I haven't had any time to buy the super super  weight gaining protein powders/meal replacements, the only thing I've changed in my diet is having 2 glasses of milk with Sustagen that I found in the cupboard, I know that Sustagen is similar to the products I wanted to get but it is about medium in the nutritional range when it comes to kjs/calories but it has lots of good stuff and I know the hospitals give it to patients who don't eat enough/need a boost so it must be good. Right? Anyway so I've had one glass through the day and then another glass at night right before I go to bed because I know that this is good for gaining weight and I tend to get hungry right before bed so it works out really good.

I suppose the good thing about trying to gain weight instead of loose it is that instead of preparing meals scrutinizing what I'm putting into it and trying to be healthy (as much I should I know I know) all I have to do is add some special formulated milkshakes to my diet.

 Image courtesy of Spur

I want to do it all!

There are so many things in life I want to do. I want to be rich (not sure about famous. Just like most people. But it's also something I would give up in a heartbeat for true happiness, ie if there was a guy who could guarantee me financial security and a guy that i was crazy about the second would win every time.

I know I'm not going to get there by sitting on my ass, but I just don't know what I want to do yet. I think I'm going to enrol in a course in business management. That might be a start, study never hurts, you only have everything to gain from learning new things and knowing more about the world and how it works.

Far too skinny

I am so so so so over looking at photos of myself and thinking how much I look like I'm 12 because I'm far too underweight.

I do not have an eating disorder!

I just cant seem to have a high enough calorie intake to gain weight because of my metabolism.

I posted a while ago about it but now I'm revisiting.

I recently discussed it with a friend who has been involved in body building and he suggested I use protein powders and weight gaining supplements. My worry with this was that if it was oh - so - simple why hadnt one of the many doctors I'd been to or especially the dietitian suggested this instead of threatening me with an admission to hospital if I lost anymore weight.

I've done a lot of reading and I am so desperate that I'm just going to do it despite their thoughts. I had suggested protein replacements to the dietitian but I was met with her screams and obvious negativity to it. The only thing that I can really think of as a valuable argument is that it isn't promoting good eating habits. But I have been severely underweight for many years now, and with the problem just getting worse, and it in itself giving me a long list of health problems that stop me from doing daily activities I don't have much to lose...but everything to gain.

So the next time I am out I will be buying meal replacement powder or protein powder, or atleast a general powder aimed at weight gain.

I will keep you updated on results.

Wish me luck.

My 19th birthday in Kings Cross

Recently I celebrated my 19th birthday.

I went to a Kings Cross in Sydney. Quite a famous strip of clubs (pun intended).

It was such a shock. It was like stepping into another world. I come from a fairly large city just two hours from Sydney but it's nothing compared to Sydney, or the cities of places like the US.

A night clubbing where I live, you see everyone you know and grew up with through the highschools, everyone knows everyone. In Sydney I could be annonymous, I could be anyone I wanted for the night and it was so refreshing, I could wear what I wanted and act how I wanted because unlike my usual nights out I wouldnt see people who had known me since being a child.

I wore leather stiletto boots but teamed them with jeans to not look like a hooker, which are very common in "the cross" as it is called, so I suppose either way I would of fitted right in. I wore my big statement red lipstick but once again teamed it with not so dark eyes as to not look like a hooker.

I went out with two males who really know how to party and it was an absolutely amazing night that I will never forget.

All together I've estimated I did 28 shots, proof that the alcohol is watered down, because as a very small framed female, no matter how seasoned I am, doing 28 shots in a time frame of about 2 hours should of put me in hospital.

Walking along the street men tried to hand me cards advertising their strip club. Knowing that if they convince me the two males I have in my company will follow.

One image I remember clearly is that of two girls sitting on a bus bench as the crowd of thousands move along the street, both dark haired and with heavy makeup smudged all over their faces. One had her head buried in her hands and tears streaming down her face and the other offering comfort. They appeared to be strippers or prostitutes of some sort and I kept thinking that I would never be able to understand what ever was behind those tears, that something led to them living that life and I never wanted to be the girl sitting on the bus bench with mascara running down my face.

Where I live it is notorious for the few clubs we have for being fairly bad but we don't have anything on Kings Cross. The main difference I noticed was that where I live you never see policemen at night on the streets which might be why even though Kings Cross is very bad place our lack of policemen put as at an equal standard. In Kings cross I must of seen atleast 60 scattered along the strip of clubs that is known to be the busiest part of Australia at that time of night. I crossed the road as two policemen rode past on horseback, holding up traffic but to my surprise not gaining the stares of passers by, to them it was just another night.

For me it was a crazy night, for others its a lifestyle. The glitter never gets washed off and mascara is merely applied over the top of what remains of the night before.

My Confessions

I was having a discussion with a friend about how much we hate cheaters, which lead to the general conversation about how people can be so cruel to each other and its terrifying how people can do something without feeling remorse. If we all just had compassion for those around us the world would be a better place.

It lead me to think about how I act and what I do. I like to think I'm a nice person bu I'm sure I could change the way I go about things in order to be a better person. After n argument I sit and think of what lead the other person to say the thngs they did and even make excuses for them and then it pops into my head... Maybe I should of been more understanding.

When that old man you serve at work doesn't smile back, maybe he's had a hard life, dont take it personally, he might not have a reason to smile. When someone snaps, ca you honestly say you've never had a moment where you got a little stressed out and said something unprovoked?

That bully from primary school probably went home to a home life of abuse and drugs.

Sometimes the world just needs forgiveness for its mistakes.

Here's some confessions of mine to be forgiven and some ot just laugh at.

I had a fit of rage today as I stressed out and took it out on inocent by-standers. Im sorry, my bad.

Not kicking my friends guy out of my bed at 4am when he snuck in and spooned me for a few hours, because the truth being, I had been shivering up until that point, I was cold, he made me warm. I'm a horrible horrible person I know. (she was not with him they were just sort of mucking around - NOTE id never do this with someones boyf but I still felt pretty slack).

I swear far too much.

I eat food off the floor.

I have no problem in constantly talking to inanimate objects, I also constantly abuse inanimate objects.

I sing to my rabbit. "Hey bunny wunny wunny ur looking pretty funny bunny wunny" etc

Oh and I'd totally feel bad about getting with someone and then getting with his brother, but hey, he treated me like crap and his brother doesnt and if he had respect for me I would of respected him.  

Work

I've been working. It's been ok. I'm just glad I'm going to have some money. I've almost got enough to pay my parents the full amount I owe them for the car (which I'm really looking forward to so they can't using owing them against me).

I've been working on my driving, drove more in the last week than I have the whole year!

Things have been ok. Not good but not bad, I'm doing what I wanted, getting my life on track...getting the wheels in motion but it jsut doesnt feel like it. This was supposed to make me happy. I have a job I'm earning money, I have a car and I'm working on getting a licence, I have alot to be thankful for and yet at night when I go to bed I'm still kept awake by my nagging thoughts stressing too much about things like boys. What stupid stupid things they are. I don't know why I even bother, it always ends the same way, me crying in the dark thinking what ass's they were. Why can't I just be happy to be me, be alone, be free. Oh why.

Thats just me.

I'm sorry I said I couldnt do it, I'm sorry that I don't know if I want this. I'm sorry that I'm scared and I want to block everyone out, I just dont want to be hurt like I have been ever ever again. One could argue that I don't really know what pain is after all its not like I was marreid for many many years with many many children and found out that my husband had been unfaithful or any other terrible terrible tale like that. No. I'm just a girl who had her heart broken and yes despite what anyone may think, felt pain. I know that what happened might not of been a big deal in the big picture but it happened to me and only I know how I felt. I felt broken. I didn't want to know the world anymore. I'm going to go lay in bed and be broken. I seem to do it quite well, my father always said...stick to things your good at.

Money....

Oh how I wish I had a lot!

Once I start work ...all three jobs... I'll be getting some pretty alright cash.

I keep fantasising about what I'll buy with it, It's been so long where I've been strapped for cash, not working and having to live off an allowance from my mother.

I love madaboochoo, an online clothing botuique that constantly has really great sales.

Suit style jacket ...Was AU$261 Now $99

My Favourite!!! Military style jacket ... AU$167.50

I really really need to find some boots that fit around my calves, they are all too big for my skinny little legs and I don't like the whole gumboot look.

I bought a leather jacket the other day, funnily enough the cheapest one fit the best!!! That never happens to me!! I'm the kind of person who without looking at prices will never fail to fall in love with the most expensive thing in store.

"The Holy Kiss" by Sass and Bide. Im in love. Not sure about the retail price of these in australia, currently on sale in their online boutique for $190

Starting New Job and another job offer!

Wow, I've gone from having nothing to having 3 jobs on the table in a matter of a couple of months. I have the clerical job now confirmed to be starting on Monday (sooo happy about that) then in May I have the nannying job starting. Ontop of all of this I got a phone call about another clerical job which is mine if I want it. Its a much more serious job than the others, in the respect that on a resume it would look more impressive.

The job would be doing clerical work in a doctors office in a private practise joint to the hospital. If I take this job I want to volunteer in the kids room at the hospital. Doing the volunteer work would give me a good reference for working with children, experience and an impressive background if I apply for a job in a child care centre. But of course importantly it will give me something to do where I am helping the community and giving something back to the world. At the same time the actual job itself is apparently well paid and as I said, impressive to put on a resume.

Problem is, the original clerical job it meant to be Mondays and Tuesday, the Nannying job Thursdays and Fridays. The new clerical job is also supposed to be Mondays and tuesdays.

I don't know what I want to do because on one hand the origanl clerical work was focusing on website databiasing and photography with some clerical, whereas the the new one is full on clerical side, filing paperwork etc. So do I go for the money and the security or the job that I'd prefer doing more?

I think thats a question people ask themselves for most of their lives.

A note I left myself whilst drunk.....

"You are responsible for your own actions - deal with your drinking problem"

Clearly I am an intelligent drunk, even my drunk self is concerned for me.

The question I have been pondering the answer to lately is, when is it too much. Where do you draw the line between having a few too many and having a problem.

I quite simply have labeled myself as having a problem because I have been having cravings for alcohol. Its not a huge problem, I have been ignoring these cravings. It would be a big problem if the cravings were so strong that I went and got a drink every time. Growing up I always thought alcohol was pretty much PURE EVIL and wouldnt touch it. Now I drink it a lot, but I don't tend to let myself get out of control drunk, in fact I genuinely like the taste. I drink VERY often but when I do drink I only have 3-4 drinks. When I compare that to my peers I really dont know what to think. As most of my peers drink far less frequently but the quantity of what they drink in one night for some of them beats what I drink in a week.

Or maybe I should just listen to the note I wrote myself and take my own advice.

My weight

This has always been an issue for me. I suffer with my weight alot. The difference with me though is that my problem is I'm far too skinny. I'm underweight and always have been. Its not that I don't eat, I do. Mostly its that I stress too much and I loose weight that way or I do eat but just not a large enough quantity.

So at the moment I weigh 39kgs. I'm publicly announcing it and am going to continue to record it on my blog so that I am forced to face it and deal with it.

According to the doctor I need to be 48 before I'm in my healthy weight range (I'm very short and have a small frame).

At my heaviest I was almost 42, at my lightest (in the past year) I was 36.

I have 9 kgs to go before I'm in a healthy weight range.

Please note: I know I'm skinny, I do not at all have an eating disorder because I do not have a distorted image of my body, I do not hate my body, I do not starve myself, I like my body and I can admit that putting on a few kgs would do me some good.

Meltdown.

I just dont understand anymore. I dont understand myself let alone what is going on around me. Why do I let my mind analyse everything. I can't help but go over the same topic in circles around and around. I can't sleep at night. I am constantly having panic attacks. I havent been like this for months. I'm losing my grip on it all. I'll soon be on the bathroom floor. Fighting it all, constantly trying to hold it back, hold that door shut. Crying myself to sleep at night, not knowing if the next day will be any better, not knowing if it will bring a smile. I don't want it to be like this, I don't want to be like this. I cant remember what its like to be happy for more than a day. I need to be happy but I dont know how. I dont know what will stop these feelings.

A bitch and a Car

Not starting that clerical job for a while. It has been delayed for the second time. Which is a shame because I was actually looking forward to it, especially the money. So here comes another month or so where I am strapped for cash, unable to grant myself the many things I have on my ever growing wish list, like a leather jacket (faux of course), leather boots and a new handbag.

I still havent been practising driving. Which means I cant go for my test yet which means no licence which means no life...see the pickle I'm in, yes?

In other news I now have a car, well i will in like a week or so. It was one of many that belonged to my parents company which they just sold. And the buyers happened to not want this vehicle, mainly I think because it was a sales car and not a working vehicle. So the deal is that its mine and I'm going to pay it off, which is pretty awesome and gives me a great opportunity without being a spoilt little brat becasue in the end I will of course be paying for it and not having it jsut handed to me but can use it before I have all the money.

I'm a little excited about it.

Just a little ;)

About Me

I'm a simple person to please. I'm a complicated person underneath. I don't ask for much but I want it all.

Incase you can't tell through my profile and my posts, the thing I value about this blog the most is that I can remain on the most part - annonymous.

Hi I'm Ms B and this is my about me.
So here is an about me of random facts that dont give away my identity but let the readers get to know me more as the oh-so-complicated young lady that I am.

- I love the dark, I love the night life, I come alive at night.

- I have a self confessed drinking problem...more about that later ;)

- My love life so far has involved all the wrong kinds of people, knives, violence and of course the police.

- I love fashion, make up, and as much as I will usually call myself "one of the boys" I do very much enjoy being a girl

- Currently in the middle of giving myself a make over

- I am actually too skinny and need to put on weight

- My favourite colour is red My current obsession is red

- I love to laugh and smile, I love pople who make me laugh and smile and I live to put a smile on peoples faces.

Ask in a comment anything you would like to know.

Blog inspired by Sarahs Organised Chaos