The Search

I have mixed feelings about where my life is at now. I never thought at 18 i would have an empending sense of doom and misery. There are certain times in everyones lives where they feel everything is falling apart, that certain time in my life is now.

I am 18, I have my life ahead of me. I have alot to proud of but at this stage compared to my pears I dont have much to show for my life so far, despite all I have gone through.

The friends and fellow students that I went through many years of school with have graduated school, recieved their HSC results and are now sharing the great news about their university admissions. A wave of guilt spreads over me as I hear the news and feel nothing but envy and even anger because it doesnt occur to them that it may be a touchy subject for me because I was forced to drop out of school in year 11 due to illness and did not graduate with them. The guilt comes from the fact that I am incapable of jsut feeling happy for them...how could I be so selfish.

This upsets me as I feel that I have failed. Ontop of this I do not have a licence because I am afraid of driving and I do not have a job because of illness.

No university
No job
No licence

This isnt the way it was supposed to be, this is not what I dreamed of. For these to be my thoughts at 18 scares me because if I think all this now at 18, as I am so dissapointed in myself, what will I think at 40? I need to sort things out, I need to straighten it out, I need to get my life together and be the person I wanted to be...the person that I am inside. I need to feel good, I need to be happy.

The search of a lifetime, the search for happiness.