My Valentines Day

Ok for the first time I'm actually going to talk about my love life on this blog.

I was not looking forward to valentines day. I recently dated a guy who was my friend for 6 years and my best friend for 3 years. He's in the defense forces and we have a huge dramatic background of our unconditional love for one another and how we couldnt be together because of distance and his work. Well in october last year when he got back from being overseas for 6 months he came here. I'll never forget it, I ran out the front of my house and tackled him with an enormous embrace and cried. We sat and talked and talked, funny how after 6 months and travelling the world there is so much to say. We ate junk food and talked whilst glimpsing at the tv every now and again. Eventually he left, it was 5 am. We both had had no idea of the time passing us by and even my mother the next day didnt mind at all that he had been here until 5am. Sitting on that lounge I'd asked him what he was thinking and said how he was looking at me funny, in which he confessed his previously unspoken love for me.

After that we decided to have a go at actually making a relationship work. Long story short it did not. He ended it. Later called me very intoxicated and gave me  reasons which were nothing to do with me. For example he siad that his work made him want to end his life and if he chose to he didnt want me to have to deal with that. We havent spoken much at all since then. Even when I was dating guys (when he was my best friend) on valentines day he would send me a message, he didnt miss it for 3 years.

Yesterday was killing me. No text message, I checked so often. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Each time it killed me a little more inside. I'd also recently tried talking to him and he wasnt interested in talking, so I didnt want to be the one sending him a message. It was time for him to step up. I felt like he didnt care at all.

I've recently converted to facebook and at around 11pm last night decided to check my myspace. "NEW MESSAGES". My heart skipped a beat and adreniline pumped through my veins as I clicked it expected for it to be a false alarm, that it wouldnt be from him. It was. And it was sent 1 minute before I checked it. I opened it and immediately started to cry. he ended the message with two words which meant more to me then could ever of been imagined "miss you". I sent him a text saying thankyou and I actually got a reply. "you were on my mind so I thought I'd send you a message".

To try and put this into perspective, he had spoken to me and treated me very badly for the past few months. This hurt so much more because he had been my friend for so long. I didn't want to beleive that he was such an ass, that he was just like all the other guys. But in the message he sent me last night, he let his guard down for the first time since it all happened (apart from his drunken phone call) and let me know that deep down underneath it all he was still there, he was just hurting. Everytime he spoke to me badly I would say that I knew he was still the same person and that I would refuse to believe that he was a bad person. I was right. I will always love him, no matter what he has done or what he will do. Although I wouldnt enter a relationship with him again...atleast not for a long time, I do love him but I wish that I didn't.