About Me

I'm a simple person to please. I'm a complicated person underneath. I don't ask for much but I want it all.

Incase you can't tell through my profile and my posts, the thing I value about this blog the most is that I can remain on the most part - annonymous.

Hi I'm Ms B and this is my about me.
So here is an about me of random facts that dont give away my identity but let the readers get to know me more as the oh-so-complicated young lady that I am.

- I love the dark, I love the night life, I come alive at night.

- I have a self confessed drinking problem...more about that later ;)

- My love life so far has involved all the wrong kinds of people, knives, violence and of course the police.

- I love fashion, make up, and as much as I will usually call myself "one of the boys" I do very much enjoy being a girl

- Currently in the middle of giving myself a make over

- I am actually too skinny and need to put on weight

- My favourite colour is red My current obsession is red

- I love to laugh and smile, I love pople who make me laugh and smile and I live to put a smile on peoples faces.

Ask in a comment anything you would like to know.

Blog inspired by Sarahs Organised Chaos

The third installment to the chapters of my love life

The 3rd part to Maybe she is just that into you

and Maybe she is just that into you continued

I saw W for a third time. This time in daylight, sober. Yes...it really was as scary as it sounds.

I tend to meet people in town at night, thats where I make all my new friends, I cant help but be more confident, not because I'm drunk (which I usually am anyway) but because I have the alcohol to fall back on as a safety net. Nervousness tends to happen when we are scared of doing something wrong/inappropriate/socially unacceptable or just generally embarressing. But nights out on the town form a zone where those moments are what are treasured and laughed at rather than frowned upon.

I desperately wanted it to go well. I don't have much confidence in myself. I think he's a very interesting and amazing person I just hope that he sees as many possitive qualities in me as I do in him. I kept repeating to myself that all I can do is be who I am and hope that he likes that person. If he doesnt then theres nothing I can do. If its right its right.

We sat and talked and talked and walked around the mall for a bit. It was hard to tell if the conversation was full of nervousness or if it really just wasnt flowing. There were plenty moments of chuckling at jokes but there was just something underneath it all I couldnt quite put my finger on. Was it the jitters of the first sober meeting? Was he bored? Was I talking too much...too little...am I boring him.

We caught the train and went to his house, sat around listening to music and playing cards. The whole time we were playing cards I wanted to kiss him. But there were no signs of encouragment or welcoming of such an action so I didnt. Infact there had been barely any touching at all...maybe that was what I couldnt quite put my finger on? (pun completely intended).

We ended up laying on his bed talking, had been for about an hour with absolutely no touching. When your laying next to someone in their bed...despite the encouragement of the situation unfolding itself in such a way that you are laying next to each other, if there is still no touching, it is quite QUITE discouraging. I was loosing all faith. Wow that went downhill fast! Then as I was talking he rolled to face me and put his hand on my hip that was sticking out as I was laying on my side. OMG THANK YOU. Something that usually wouldnt phase me what so ever made me completely loose wat I was saying and I quickly fumbled on my words to try and not acknowledge the quick change in his actions. He removed his hand after a few minutes and then returned it time and time again as the conversation went on. I put my hand mirroring where his was but on his body and tickled him as we had previously discussed how extremely ticklish he is (how ADORABLE) which then led to him tickling me and half wrestling on the bed and then of course kissing. Yep it was great, just like in one of those movies, laughing and wrestling and tickling and then suddlenly looking at each other and going in for a kiss.

I didnt let it escalate to anything more as I still wasnt sure if he was actually interested in me or just some action. It's so hard ot know, guys go to extreme lengths and do all the things that would signal a deep connection just for it to mean absolutely nothing in the end. I certainly didnt want to confuse that situation further by sending off the wrong signals.

Is he into me? I have no idea. Just as I was loosing faith (despite the hours of making out- I still doubted whether we would even hang out again) I texted him saying I had fun etc, and to my surprise he replied saying he had fun and next up ice skating!...a second date?

So I suppose this is once again...to be continued.

The many uses of the Internet

If you are reading this its safe to assume you have the internet. So you already pay for the internet. I always ponder as I go about my day different things about the world we live in and one that pops up into my head constantly is the extensive uses of the internet. The way it opens us up to so many differnt things and with it, nomatter what we do...a single living person can never ever reach its full capacity and use everything it has to offer.

To save money, instead of buying magazines the internet is full of interesting articles and pictures. There are many websites dedicated to updating you on the most current celebrity news, others dedicating to giving advice on dating. Everything such as "real life stories" "quizes" "confessions" can all be found online. Not to mention that nowadays most mainstream magazines have their own websites where they put up most of their articles.

Instead of looking to buy a new book sign up to have installments of one writen by an aspiring writer sent to your email account.

Instead of buying books look up "how to...." on google. Yes my next most important point. Google it. I google everything. Looking for a new hobby? Have a question you've been too embarressed to ask anyone? Learn something new by watching tutorials on youtube.

I was inspired today when looking through the magazine racks of my local newsagent. "How to make wire jewellery" WOW. That is so cool. AU$12.95. And it was about 20 pages. Hmm. Then it occured to me, why dont I jsut google it? "How to make wire jewellery" "How to make a patchwork quilt" "paper craft designs" "scrapbooking for beginners".

Its a very simple concept, but even I myself sometimes forget the many uses of the internet.

A completely random babble, teenage girl style.

Feeling like a complete moron, constantly. I feel...beneath people...would be the best way to describe it. I know I shouldnt, but I do. I always get very intimidated by others, especially when meeting new people. It doesnt help that I am quite short, so I suppose in a way everyone really does look down on me.

My moods are going up and down like a rollercoaster. One minute I'm happy...everything is good, next minute all I want to do is lay down, crawl into a ball and cry. Why can't I just be happy??

Music helps. Music and retail therapy, sometimes at the same time.

I went shopping today. Deciding to mix it up I picked things off the racks I usually wouldnt consider and tried them on. Trying out the "it looks better on" theory and actually bought a few things.

A very cute little nautical style dress, a black high waisted skirt because SHOCK HORROR I didnt have one! And a cute frilly top to wear with the skirt.

Bought the best shade of red nail polish! Ohmygosh.

Fudge lighter shade of pale, to tone my blonde hair, I'm hoping for some long lasting results.

And currently on my wish list is "Bobbi Brown Make-up Manual" I just dont have enough money right now since I'm not working. But I do start that clerical job soon.

Heard from W yesterday, he's sick, and with what he's sick with I know he's not lying. Hopefully I
ll see him soon. I keep thinking about our kiss.

Maybe she is just that into you. Continued...

This is a continuation of this post Maybe she is just that into you.

Okay so after the events of last night I can update you on W. Last night I met up with W in the same club. He is such a fantastic guy, I was with guy friends and having a fairly bad night. I ran at him and pretty much tackled him, because I'm smooth like that. I was a little more intoxicated than I would of liked to of been, and wearing the same dress as the first night I met him since I hadn't planned on seeing him that night. One of the guy friends I was with is SUPER attractive, and was giving me hugs, along with his friends in a big group hug as W and friends downed their drinks.


He reached out and grabbed my hand and said "lets dance" and took me through the crowd, invited my friends to come aswell but they knew not to. The first night I met him I was only with girls, which is rare, last night I was only with guys, which is more like how it usually is and I think it was a bit of a shock to his system but he took it well and I was proud. He made an effort with my friends which is extra special because with guys its a bit more awkward. When we were dancing they threw shirts into the crowd and he caught one and gave it to me. I said how it was going to be massive on my tiny frame and he said "then you can wear it to bed and it will make you think of me" and then laughed at himself and said how that was the best line he has ever come up with. Haha. I agreed.

The guy that was driving me home that nght was not having a good night and wanted to leave early. W was bummed I had to leave. Problem was, in being respectful to his friends and my friends when there were other people around I behaved myself (and didnt pash him like I wanted to). He walked me to the door of the club because this city has a 1.30am curfew where they dont let anyone into the club after that time, but if your already in it you can stay until 3. It was awkward, I wanted to kiss him and it was the first time we were alone, we said our goodbyes, hugged and everything was lingering. So I went for my fool proof method. Its a strange method but its worked everytime I've done it. Lingering hug, reach up and kiss him on the cheek and as I pull away brush the tip of my fingers down his back.

"Bye" he says. What? no! It didnt work. Oh no. I start to walk away and as I do he says after me "wait". Grabs my hand spins me around embraces me and kisses me... on the cheek. No. Close. But no. Still fail. Then finally, says something along the lines of "come here" and kisses me. Wow. He is an AMAZING kisser. Best kiss I've ever had. As you know from my post the other day I've had some bad ones and I was joking around with a friend that when I find a good kisser I'm going to keep him forever because they are so rare. I couldnt stand being with someone who is a bad kisser, its the person your hoping to kiss for the rest of your life.

His kiss was amazing because it was just the way I like it, soft and only a little tongue, not like he was trying to find anything in my mouth.

Well moment was ruined by a text from my friend that said he was waiting in the car, oh yer...right...I was leaving.

Me and W really click. This is the first guy in a long time I have actually been really really interested in. Our parting conversation was a great example of how we click.

W - Text me when your out again
Me - Well maybe you should see me sober
W - Ok, we can go for coffee or something
Me - No
W - Oh thank god, I dont drink coffee
Me - Neither, and "going for coffee" is lame, be more creative.
W - Well I'll message you, I'll see you again, I promise.

And I walk away and he once again yells out after me "wait". As I turn around he throws me the singlet he caught in the crowd that he had been holding onto for me. His throw falls short and I have to do a quick and awkward bend and grab in my dress and heels infront of the bouncers who totally witnessed our pash and are now giving me smiles. As I walk out I realise that I'm not alone and in a really dangerous area, the car is around the corner out of sight of the bouncers. And then I hear my name and its my attractive friend (who is also a new friend) who has been kicked out of the club and walks me to the car in a drunken stumble. We stand around the car and talk, as one of my guy friends tries to get me to kiss him as the attractive one put on my singlet (over his huge muscular body) and I snap a foto, which I later showed my mum who agreed that he is also the most attractive guy shes ever seen, pink ladies singlet and all. Another guy turns up and announces their other friend just got arrested.


I love my insane lifeat the moment. What a good night.

Double standards

We have created so many double standards. Us women fight for equality, but our expectations of men (especially when dating) contradict all the things we rally for.

We want equal pay... but we want him to pay for dinner...

We want to be given the same opportunities as men, be treated the same, be able to have careers in industries that are usually only considered to be filled with men. But then there is still an ongong social concept of men doing the approaching, men buying the women drinks and paying for dinner. These social rules and concepts all originate from when the men were the earners, but with equal opportunity and pay the men are giving, the women are taking and the whole system is thrown off balance, the scales are tipping.

I'm going to go buy a guy a drink, maybe take him to the movies and dinner, after all, I can work where he does and do what he does and earn what he does thanks to the women who fought for it. So lets make it fair. Now to find a guy who would let me do that without feeling completely imasculated...

Kiss Me

Quite simply, kiss me.

Without causing me pain.

Without seeming like your trying to find something in my mouth that quite clearly is not there, as I don't hide objects in my mouth for you to find with your tongue.

Keep your teeth away from mine, they are not friends, they dont need any contact what-so-ever.

I'd like to introduce you to my friend Mint and his brother Gum, they will really help you out.

And french kissing the side of my face is not cool.

The End. 

Maybe she is just that into you

A social experiment - tested and proved.

When trying to meet "decent" guys using bars and clubs the one thing that always makes it fail is that we miss out on the totally decent guys who don't have the guts to approach girls and instead get the guys who have the confidence to for all the wrong reasons. I know that there are alright guys that aproach girls but most of these guys who do approach girls also have the confidence to approach other girls and for me someone who has picked up a different girl every week isnt exactly boyfriend material and 9 times out of 10 they arent looking for a girlfriend anyway.

So my theory was to meet a decent guy the girls should have a go at doing the approaching. Why should we have these double standards? We fight for equality so now lets use it.

Standing at the bar with 2 of my girls all dressed up in one of the cities most notorious clubs (but one of the only ones) my friend steps forward to get a drink. She hasnt been out before, it was recently her 18th birthday (in australia its 18 not 21) and a guy steps infront of her completely unintentionally because my friend is nervous about ordering a drink and what to say she is not as close to the bar as she should of been. As this happens the guy standing next to me steps forward and taps him on the shoulder and explains that the girl next to him was trying to order and then gets my friends attention and urges her infron of him and steps back once again. Here I am thinking to myself "that was a really decent thing to do, lets test this theory" a casually swing my arm up and lightly tap him on the shoulder with the back of my hand and say "thanks"...he steps behind me without saying anything..."oh no...I meant thanks for helping my friend, I'm not waiting for a drink" and gesture him infront of me. This time he looks at me and explains he is also jsut waiting and points to the guy who originally cut my friend off and explains that thats his friend he is waiting on. Our conversation goes smoothly as I explain that its the first time both the girls I'm with have been in this club or any for that matter. Let me add that I am almost a year older than them so I am actually quite well known in this club as I go there alot.

Lets call these two lads W and A. W being the guy next to me and A is the one at the bar. A turns around with his drinks and comes over to W at which point I'm introduced. My friends turn and funnily enough find me talking to two guys and not alone as they left me and I introduce them. We had an AMAZING night, and what is sort of bad is that my two friends now have the impression that this is what going out is always like...no...that was one of the BEST nights I've ever had. Both these guys were totally decent.

W kept complimenting my dancing, and he was an AMAZING hip hop dancer...which is the way I like...hip hop. I didnt take much notice until later I found out that he is a hip hop dance teacher, so the compliments he was giving me on my dancing made me go "WOW" his friends and him kept asking me if I'd had professional lessons...how very flattering!

Wondering if it will go anywhere, he got my number and texted me that night "hope you got home safe" etc. We text each other but there are no immediate responses, maybe he's just playing it cool. He hassaid for us to meet up again when I'm not sick (I have tonsillitis atm). It will be interesting to see where it goes. He is the first guy I have just LOVED being around in a very long time, we quoted random movies for about an hour while my friends sat at us and looked very confused. There was definately chemistry, unlike the other 5 guys texting me right now who I am really just not that into. Why is it that the guys we want don't seem to want us and the guys we dont cling on for dear life. Amazing things happen when theres some sort of flaw in the universes plan to keep us apart and two people want each other.

My Valentines Day

Ok for the first time I'm actually going to talk about my love life on this blog.

I was not looking forward to valentines day. I recently dated a guy who was my friend for 6 years and my best friend for 3 years. He's in the defense forces and we have a huge dramatic background of our unconditional love for one another and how we couldnt be together because of distance and his work. Well in october last year when he got back from being overseas for 6 months he came here. I'll never forget it, I ran out the front of my house and tackled him with an enormous embrace and cried. We sat and talked and talked, funny how after 6 months and travelling the world there is so much to say. We ate junk food and talked whilst glimpsing at the tv every now and again. Eventually he left, it was 5 am. We both had had no idea of the time passing us by and even my mother the next day didnt mind at all that he had been here until 5am. Sitting on that lounge I'd asked him what he was thinking and said how he was looking at me funny, in which he confessed his previously unspoken love for me.

After that we decided to have a go at actually making a relationship work. Long story short it did not. He ended it. Later called me very intoxicated and gave me  reasons which were nothing to do with me. For example he siad that his work made him want to end his life and if he chose to he didnt want me to have to deal with that. We havent spoken much at all since then. Even when I was dating guys (when he was my best friend) on valentines day he would send me a message, he didnt miss it for 3 years.

Yesterday was killing me. No text message, I checked so often. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Each time it killed me a little more inside. I'd also recently tried talking to him and he wasnt interested in talking, so I didnt want to be the one sending him a message. It was time for him to step up. I felt like he didnt care at all.

I've recently converted to facebook and at around 11pm last night decided to check my myspace. "NEW MESSAGES". My heart skipped a beat and adreniline pumped through my veins as I clicked it expected for it to be a false alarm, that it wouldnt be from him. It was. And it was sent 1 minute before I checked it. I opened it and immediately started to cry. he ended the message with two words which meant more to me then could ever of been imagined "miss you". I sent him a text saying thankyou and I actually got a reply. "you were on my mind so I thought I'd send you a message".

To try and put this into perspective, he had spoken to me and treated me very badly for the past few months. This hurt so much more because he had been my friend for so long. I didn't want to beleive that he was such an ass, that he was just like all the other guys. But in the message he sent me last night, he let his guard down for the first time since it all happened (apart from his drunken phone call) and let me know that deep down underneath it all he was still there, he was just hurting. Everytime he spoke to me badly I would say that I knew he was still the same person and that I would refuse to believe that he was a bad person. I was right. I will always love him, no matter what he has done or what he will do. Although I wouldnt enter a relationship with him again...atleast not for a long time, I do love him but I wish that I didn't.

Glass half full... i mean empty...i mean full

Lately I have been really really stressed out. I've tried to write about it about 5 seperate times in the past 2 days but have been feeling so strange I couldnt even bring myself to TRY and put it in words until now.

I want to be happy about things and I should be happy about things but the bad things that happen keep overtaking the good things and I try to block out the negative and focus on the positive but I cant help the awful feeling I get in my stomach. I'm such a dweller, I dwell on things like you wouldnt believe and I know its terrible and I should just not care and try to forget but I'm human and I have emotions and if another psychologist tries to tell me to "think positive" I'm going to possibly punch him//her right between the eyes. Ok, I'm not a violent person, infact I'd just get aggravated on the inside and then complain later to an innocent third party.

I might explain later what has brought me to this particular emotional state but right now I really can't bring myslef to do it.

Lets have a girly talk...how to blow your first paycheck 101

Ok so when you are young and don't have responsibilties such as bills and rent to pay, its common practise to blow your first pay check. I'm an avid saver I am no poster girl for being responsible with money but I'm certainly not too bad with knowing when to put money away.

I start work next week and I have already got it all planned out how my paycheck will be spent. After the first week I will put money aside but freedom is a powerful creature.

Lately I have been wanting a change, I am a currently a light blonde, im naturally a dark blonde. I've been through quite a few different hair styles and colours. This light blonde that I currently have I have been for about a year and its actually the longest I've stayed one colour since I started dying my hair but I've been leaning lately towards dying my hair dark. I've had it dark before but I want to go even darker than I have ever had it. I'm constantly looking up pictures of hair colours and styles because as much as I want to dye my hair dark I can't help but look at pictures of people who were once blonde and went dark or were once dark and went blonde and prefer the blonde every time.

I look younger than I am, at 18 I get mistaken for 15 or 16 because I am very small framed and short. Darker hair makes most people look older, I found this to be true when I had my hair darker. The problem is, once I go dark I cant just decide I don't like it and go back to blonde and any females out there that have been through the process know that it takes ALOT to get previously dyed hair to a nice shade of blonde, its a long and drawn out process. Of course there is also the fact that getting the regrowth done ever 4-6 weeks costs alot more than getting the regrowth done of dark hair, even at the hairdressers.

So, instead of dying my hair dark I will change as many other things as possible and see if I'm happy with that. I need to get creative, I'm open to suggestions.

So, my first pay check will be spent on getting my nails done (gel french tip), my eyelashes tinted and my eyebrows lightened so that they dont stand out against my blonde hair. I'm lost as to what else I can do, whenever you say "make-over" everyone immediately goes for the hair.

Any remainding money will probably be spent going into town and buying a few drinks or if I can think of something I want to buy my friend something for all the favours and help he has given me lately. I just cant think of what to get him.

I had to laugh

I constantly stay up far too late for my own wellbeing but I get caught up in talking to everyone (late night convos are the best)...at 12.30am I went to the kitchen for a glass of water. When I opened the cupboard I noticed that there was a strange smell. I picked up a glass and smelt it....yep it smelt funny, and we just got a new dishwasher. I pisked up another. Yep. Smelt funny. I reached right over the back and picked up another. Yep. Still had a strange smell. Then I stopped and realised how strange that exact moment would seem to any witnesses and I just had to share it.

From now on I will try to avoid late night/early morning glass sniffing.

Today I did my work trial and at the end of it I was handed forms to fill in labelled "employment". Not a word was said...they just handed me the forms and said I did great. Meanwhile I'm doing imaginary cartwheels. I am EMPLOYED and really looking forward to having money again.

Loneliness

Loneliness creeps up on me. Just when I think I'm happy. I have a female friend that would slap me stupid for saying that. But lets be honest, when your single sometimes life can get you down and as much as I'm all for being independant and not relying on a man, it would be nice to have someone. Funnily enough this female friend who always says things like "I'm really worried about how you feel like you need a man" is the same friend who constantly lets me down. Maybe if I had female friends I could depend on ...then no, I wouldn't need a man. I still arue that YES I do NOT need a man. I don't feel that I need a man, I can survive on my own. But there are those times when something happens in your life and you wish you had someone a little closer to you than a friend.

I once read somewhere that having a partner meant that you have a witness to your life. The article was about marriage it could be applied to any relationship. Maybe my long to find someone comes from my need to share my thoughts and events in my life. With friends you tell one friend a story and then you tell another friend another story, together they know 2 parts of your life but each friend still does not know everything. Maybe that goes with the decision of what you share with your friends. I personally find that I talk to different friends about different things. With a partner you tell them almost everything because you make an effort at communication whereas a friend may dwindle away for a few days or weeks or months or years.

Last Night

Last night I did not go clubbing. In short it was all just too hard in the end, trying to figure out who was out and how to get home or somewhere to stay, alot of friends were heading out tonight instead of last night.

Instead, so that I wasnt sitting at home moping about the fact I wasnt out that night, I went to a friends house and helped him repaint his entire room. It was a fun night, not that it probably meant much to him, but it meant alot to me. He thought I was helping him but really he was helping me. Painting his room gave me something constructive to do and there arent alot of people I dont get bored of but I dont get bored of him, maybe its his ability to sing mariah carey and know all the words or his lack of shame in the whole matter.

I know how much little things can mean to me so I always live my life by the same principal, that the small act of kindness that I do now might mean the world to someone in the future even if it meant nothing to me. It doesnt take much to be kind, to make an effort to even just say hello. You never know when that person might be contemplating how much they are worth and having inner arguments with themselves that everyone infact hates them and they have no one who cares. The simple "hello" could mean the world.

I try to take the time to tell people how much they mean to me. I wish it were easier though. Sometimes the "you mean so much to me" speech doesnt come across just how you mean it to.

As a teenage girl in todays world...

My time is taken up by things like myspace, facebook, finding the perfect fake tan lotion, boys boys boy boys and boys...getting the right shade of foundation that doesnt make me look like a pale freak but doesnt turn me into an orange oompa loompa (come on girls ur not fooling ANYONE ...it doesnt make u look tanned it makes u look like ur foundation is too dark FULL STOP). Somewhere in there concerns cross my mind like finding a career path...eh....small tiny little thing in this materialistic world...infact I would say that 99/100 people I know are not following careers because they seek knowledge or have an interest in the field but so that they can earn the money they need so badly to pay for the lifestyles they long for.

I'm one of those girls who live in jeans, and I do love to dress up and go out but through the day I'm quite plain. Yes I have discovered that I am a PLAIN JANE because in the morning things like accessories don't even cross my mind, infact my thought pattern is more like "shit...where are the dark coloured jeans ...are they in the ironing?" I chuck them on, a shirt and I always wear flip flops. Then I go somewhere and meet friends and they are in cute little dresses or skirts with their ballet flats and knecklaces with their bangles...it is at that point I wish I could go home and spend more time actually making an effort.

Let me add though that I own (literally) about 20 pairs of heels... and I have an AMAZING collection of designer dresses and party dresses. I dont have day clothes that are dressy, its either one extreme or the other with me.

Girls who wear heels EVERYWHERE are insane but I have to give them credit...I would do it if I could. I go alright in heels I must say but I couldnt walk all day in them...heels make everything look better...almost any outfit goes from plain to OOO LA LA with a pair of heels.

I always make a bit of a new years resolution to be a bit more girly and make more of an effort, I love make-up, I always wear make-up...I ENJOY make-up and own too much of it (I have soo many products still unopened) that is not an issue...its more that I dont wear jewellery and for me an outfit involves something to wear on the bottom and on the top ie jeans and a top, skirt and a top, jeans and a singlet. I never go into waist belts or earings or even shoes.

See the thing that is spurring these thoughts is that I am hopefully going to be heading out tonight and hitting the clubs in which I will spend hours prior to going doing my make-up and hair and I will wear heels and a little dress and all my friends look at me with a face of shock and at that point I realise its because of the two extremes, plain jane and party girl. I'm always worried that if I meet a guy at a club that if we do meet up later through the day they wont find me attractive anymore. Then again first impressions are everything, and if they are worth my time they wont be worried about the lack of a necklace.

Then again we live in a superficial materialistic world.

The plan

These things I am sure will not bring me happiness in themselves, not like candy does to a child, but I think to be sound in mind, body and spirit I must lay down foundations in my life to be stable in as many ways as possible to support my mental wellbeing.

I am currently completing a Cert 3 in childrens services (yes thats right I willingly want to spend my waking hours with children who arent mine). In about a year when I complete that I will continue on to do a diploma.

In may I will start a nannying job that I am quite looking forward to which will keep me busy 2 days a week for 1-2 years.

Yesterday I went to a job interview at a clerical job and I have a trial to attend for that on Monday, which if I get it will give me 8hrs work a week minumum.

The plan is to buckle down on my course (which is done through distance) while I'm only doing the clerical job (since it is only 1 day a week) and get as much of that done as possible before starting the nannying job in May. Ideally I would like to finish the Cert 3 and be doing the diploma by May but at this stage it doesnt look like that will happen, but I can always try.

While continuing my education and earning money I plan on adding to my savings for a car and using driving lessons to hopefully retain a licence.

I suppose in this search for happiness is also a young girl in a search for independance.

I just wish to be like the others, to be like the friends I used to attend school with, who now have jobs that keep them busy most nights, cars, licences and are waiting to start university.

The Search

I have mixed feelings about where my life is at now. I never thought at 18 i would have an empending sense of doom and misery. There are certain times in everyones lives where they feel everything is falling apart, that certain time in my life is now.

I am 18, I have my life ahead of me. I have alot to proud of but at this stage compared to my pears I dont have much to show for my life so far, despite all I have gone through.

The friends and fellow students that I went through many years of school with have graduated school, recieved their HSC results and are now sharing the great news about their university admissions. A wave of guilt spreads over me as I hear the news and feel nothing but envy and even anger because it doesnt occur to them that it may be a touchy subject for me because I was forced to drop out of school in year 11 due to illness and did not graduate with them. The guilt comes from the fact that I am incapable of jsut feeling happy for them...how could I be so selfish.

This upsets me as I feel that I have failed. Ontop of this I do not have a licence because I am afraid of driving and I do not have a job because of illness.

No university
No job
No licence

This isnt the way it was supposed to be, this is not what I dreamed of. For these to be my thoughts at 18 scares me because if I think all this now at 18, as I am so dissapointed in myself, what will I think at 40? I need to sort things out, I need to straighten it out, I need to get my life together and be the person I wanted to be...the person that I am inside. I need to feel good, I need to be happy.

The search of a lifetime, the search for happiness.