Work

I've been working. It's been ok. I'm just glad I'm going to have some money. I've almost got enough to pay my parents the full amount I owe them for the car (which I'm really looking forward to so they can't using owing them against me).

I've been working on my driving, drove more in the last week than I have the whole year!

Things have been ok. Not good but not bad, I'm doing what I wanted, getting my life on track...getting the wheels in motion but it jsut doesnt feel like it. This was supposed to make me happy. I have a job I'm earning money, I have a car and I'm working on getting a licence, I have alot to be thankful for and yet at night when I go to bed I'm still kept awake by my nagging thoughts stressing too much about things like boys. What stupid stupid things they are. I don't know why I even bother, it always ends the same way, me crying in the dark thinking what ass's they were. Why can't I just be happy to be me, be alone, be free. Oh why.

Thats just me.

I'm sorry I said I couldnt do it, I'm sorry that I don't know if I want this. I'm sorry that I'm scared and I want to block everyone out, I just dont want to be hurt like I have been ever ever again. One could argue that I don't really know what pain is after all its not like I was marreid for many many years with many many children and found out that my husband had been unfaithful or any other terrible terrible tale like that. No. I'm just a girl who had her heart broken and yes despite what anyone may think, felt pain. I know that what happened might not of been a big deal in the big picture but it happened to me and only I know how I felt. I felt broken. I didn't want to know the world anymore. I'm going to go lay in bed and be broken. I seem to do it quite well, my father always said...stick to things your good at.

Money....

Oh how I wish I had a lot!

Once I start work ...all three jobs... I'll be getting some pretty alright cash.

I keep fantasising about what I'll buy with it, It's been so long where I've been strapped for cash, not working and having to live off an allowance from my mother.

I love madaboochoo, an online clothing botuique that constantly has really great sales.

Suit style jacket ...Was AU$261 Now $99

My Favourite!!! Military style jacket ... AU$167.50

I really really need to find some boots that fit around my calves, they are all too big for my skinny little legs and I don't like the whole gumboot look.

I bought a leather jacket the other day, funnily enough the cheapest one fit the best!!! That never happens to me!! I'm the kind of person who without looking at prices will never fail to fall in love with the most expensive thing in store.

"The Holy Kiss" by Sass and Bide. Im in love. Not sure about the retail price of these in australia, currently on sale in their online boutique for $190

Starting New Job and another job offer!

Wow, I've gone from having nothing to having 3 jobs on the table in a matter of a couple of months. I have the clerical job now confirmed to be starting on Monday (sooo happy about that) then in May I have the nannying job starting. Ontop of all of this I got a phone call about another clerical job which is mine if I want it. Its a much more serious job than the others, in the respect that on a resume it would look more impressive.

The job would be doing clerical work in a doctors office in a private practise joint to the hospital. If I take this job I want to volunteer in the kids room at the hospital. Doing the volunteer work would give me a good reference for working with children, experience and an impressive background if I apply for a job in a child care centre. But of course importantly it will give me something to do where I am helping the community and giving something back to the world. At the same time the actual job itself is apparently well paid and as I said, impressive to put on a resume.

Problem is, the original clerical job it meant to be Mondays and Tuesday, the Nannying job Thursdays and Fridays. The new clerical job is also supposed to be Mondays and tuesdays.

I don't know what I want to do because on one hand the origanl clerical work was focusing on website databiasing and photography with some clerical, whereas the the new one is full on clerical side, filing paperwork etc. So do I go for the money and the security or the job that I'd prefer doing more?

I think thats a question people ask themselves for most of their lives.

A note I left myself whilst drunk.....

"You are responsible for your own actions - deal with your drinking problem"

Clearly I am an intelligent drunk, even my drunk self is concerned for me.

The question I have been pondering the answer to lately is, when is it too much. Where do you draw the line between having a few too many and having a problem.

I quite simply have labeled myself as having a problem because I have been having cravings for alcohol. Its not a huge problem, I have been ignoring these cravings. It would be a big problem if the cravings were so strong that I went and got a drink every time. Growing up I always thought alcohol was pretty much PURE EVIL and wouldnt touch it. Now I drink it a lot, but I don't tend to let myself get out of control drunk, in fact I genuinely like the taste. I drink VERY often but when I do drink I only have 3-4 drinks. When I compare that to my peers I really dont know what to think. As most of my peers drink far less frequently but the quantity of what they drink in one night for some of them beats what I drink in a week.

Or maybe I should just listen to the note I wrote myself and take my own advice.

My weight

This has always been an issue for me. I suffer with my weight alot. The difference with me though is that my problem is I'm far too skinny. I'm underweight and always have been. Its not that I don't eat, I do. Mostly its that I stress too much and I loose weight that way or I do eat but just not a large enough quantity.

So at the moment I weigh 39kgs. I'm publicly announcing it and am going to continue to record it on my blog so that I am forced to face it and deal with it.

According to the doctor I need to be 48 before I'm in my healthy weight range (I'm very short and have a small frame).

At my heaviest I was almost 42, at my lightest (in the past year) I was 36.

I have 9 kgs to go before I'm in a healthy weight range.

Please note: I know I'm skinny, I do not at all have an eating disorder because I do not have a distorted image of my body, I do not hate my body, I do not starve myself, I like my body and I can admit that putting on a few kgs would do me some good.

Meltdown.

I just dont understand anymore. I dont understand myself let alone what is going on around me. Why do I let my mind analyse everything. I can't help but go over the same topic in circles around and around. I can't sleep at night. I am constantly having panic attacks. I havent been like this for months. I'm losing my grip on it all. I'll soon be on the bathroom floor. Fighting it all, constantly trying to hold it back, hold that door shut. Crying myself to sleep at night, not knowing if the next day will be any better, not knowing if it will bring a smile. I don't want it to be like this, I don't want to be like this. I cant remember what its like to be happy for more than a day. I need to be happy but I dont know how. I dont know what will stop these feelings.

A bitch and a Car

Not starting that clerical job for a while. It has been delayed for the second time. Which is a shame because I was actually looking forward to it, especially the money. So here comes another month or so where I am strapped for cash, unable to grant myself the many things I have on my ever growing wish list, like a leather jacket (faux of course), leather boots and a new handbag.

I still havent been practising driving. Which means I cant go for my test yet which means no licence which means no life...see the pickle I'm in, yes?

In other news I now have a car, well i will in like a week or so. It was one of many that belonged to my parents company which they just sold. And the buyers happened to not want this vehicle, mainly I think because it was a sales car and not a working vehicle. So the deal is that its mine and I'm going to pay it off, which is pretty awesome and gives me a great opportunity without being a spoilt little brat becasue in the end I will of course be paying for it and not having it jsut handed to me but can use it before I have all the money.

I'm a little excited about it.

Just a little ;)