Love...

All I ever really want is for someone to tickle my back and play with my hair and stick around for idk...the rest of my life?

That would be nice.

Of course there are other things I want in someone, but those two are surprisingly hard to come by.

Day 14 weight in (22nd of may)

40.5 kgs. That puts my total gain at 2.5 kgs.

Wow, 2 weeks and TWO AND A HALF KILOGRAMS. That is amazing results for me. I have been trying to put on weight for so long! I'm so happy and I would recommend protein shakes to anyone, and I'm only using your everyday supermarket variety, I havent even gone up into the body building strengths!

Next I think I need to hit the gym (if only I could find time) and work on my sleeping pattern.

I've noticed a difference in my health, I don't feel as lethargic and have much more energy, although I still get tired easily I seem to be getting more done and without the help of energy drink. (I know its very bad for you but it helped me get motivated with things like study).

Hi John, Im going to respond here :)

I'm going to reply to your comment in a new post because it touches on another issue I wanted to talk about.

John Said...

"I think its strange that while in the relationship that you didnt feel any of the happy clicks of companionship, yet once it ended you felt the pain.
I wish I could say something helpful, but ive been alone so long that I feel a comfort in being so.

It took awhile for me to learn an understand what 40kg is, but I have finally, From what I understand, if your like 5 feet tall, then that could be really thin. Some guys find that very attractive. I dont recall you saying that youve been sick this year, so your health seems fine. Fat people get colds often. I think a plus of being underweight is that its much easier to gain muscle.

Anyways, Stay strong, and in time a better man will come along."

Firstly on the relationship topic, yes the pain I felt mde me wonder if I had felt more than I initially thought.

Now about my weight, yes I am around 5ft tall which makes 40kgs super skinny but only bordering on sickly skinny (to look at). Some guys find it as an attractive quality but most will compliment on other things and then later on down the track say that I need to put a bit of weight on. Usually along the lines of "Your gorgeous but it wouldn't hurt to put a couple of kilos on" which is completely true! I do need to. The WORRYING part about being this skinny is the compliments I get from other girls. Some strangers will even stop me in bars and clubs and point out to their friends how "amazingly skinny" I am and continue with something like "Gee I wish I could be that skinny". It is so very wrong!!! I always tell these girls how I am actually underweight and not in a healthy weight range and have complications because of it because I hate to think of myself as some sort of skinny role model for the girls who think they are fat.


So the guys don't see it as a fantastic asset but the girls do. And who are us girls trying to impress? I always argue with friends that alot of the clothes we wear don't appeal to guys but to girls. Lets face it, some of the fashion trends just arent flattering *cough cough* herem pants.

A Break up

I had been dating someone for a few weeks and we decided to call it official, but it just didnt feel right, hence why I never spoke about it on here. It occurred to me that it wasn't right when a family friend said "Oh so its all new and exciting, yer" and I looked at her confused. She explained she meant how its exciting with all the "firsts". I thought to myself how I had totally forgotten about this aspect of a new relationship because ours wasnt like that. He was lovely and sweet and very much into me but he didn't give me butterflies or make me nervous and the real nail in the breakup coffin was when I realized I barely thought about him. When I did it would just be wondering what he was up to or when he would be home from work. I never fantasized about growing old together or getting married or having kids. As much as girls don't admit it, a large majority do do this, just to different extents.

So I broke it off, and now I'm single and going through the breakup motions. First I felt a sense of freedom, but once the in depth phone conversation ended and I retreated to my room to sleep, I just felt plain alone. Oh yer ... right... this is what sucks about being single...I almost forgot. I even had a shocking dream last night, woke up in an empty house as parents were already at work, I had no one to share it with. Reached for my phone, 7am.  No one I know is awake that early that I would want to share it with, no one but him would understand.

My day is off to a great start as tears well up in my eyes.

When your Young and Dumb

Its hard to describe the way I feel at the moment. I'm am having a very stressful day. Work keeps handing me new tasks and the responsibilties are very different to what I first thought I was in for, and in an ideal world most people (especially those on the outside) go woohoo, promotion, in reality its not making me feel so good.

I'm beginning to look back on what I used to do and wish I could go back to when it was simple and straight forward, when my job description could of been defined in bullet form using only 3 lines.

On another note I thought I found someone I could be happy with, I was wrong.

Day 4 Weigh In

39.2kgs

A gain of 1.2kgs in 4 days.

My body does this, I'll rapidly increase until the 40kg mark and then rapidly decrease.

Interestingly enough I haven't had any time to buy the super super  weight gaining protein powders/meal replacements, the only thing I've changed in my diet is having 2 glasses of milk with Sustagen that I found in the cupboard, I know that Sustagen is similar to the products I wanted to get but it is about medium in the nutritional range when it comes to kjs/calories but it has lots of good stuff and I know the hospitals give it to patients who don't eat enough/need a boost so it must be good. Right? Anyway so I've had one glass through the day and then another glass at night right before I go to bed because I know that this is good for gaining weight and I tend to get hungry right before bed so it works out really good.

I suppose the good thing about trying to gain weight instead of loose it is that instead of preparing meals scrutinizing what I'm putting into it and trying to be healthy (as much I should I know I know) all I have to do is add some special formulated milkshakes to my diet.

 Image courtesy of Spur

I want to do it all!

There are so many things in life I want to do. I want to be rich (not sure about famous. Just like most people. But it's also something I would give up in a heartbeat for true happiness, ie if there was a guy who could guarantee me financial security and a guy that i was crazy about the second would win every time.

I know I'm not going to get there by sitting on my ass, but I just don't know what I want to do yet. I think I'm going to enrol in a course in business management. That might be a start, study never hurts, you only have everything to gain from learning new things and knowing more about the world and how it works.

Far too skinny

I am so so so so over looking at photos of myself and thinking how much I look like I'm 12 because I'm far too underweight.

I do not have an eating disorder!

I just cant seem to have a high enough calorie intake to gain weight because of my metabolism.

I posted a while ago about it but now I'm revisiting.

I recently discussed it with a friend who has been involved in body building and he suggested I use protein powders and weight gaining supplements. My worry with this was that if it was oh - so - simple why hadnt one of the many doctors I'd been to or especially the dietitian suggested this instead of threatening me with an admission to hospital if I lost anymore weight.

I've done a lot of reading and I am so desperate that I'm just going to do it despite their thoughts. I had suggested protein replacements to the dietitian but I was met with her screams and obvious negativity to it. The only thing that I can really think of as a valuable argument is that it isn't promoting good eating habits. But I have been severely underweight for many years now, and with the problem just getting worse, and it in itself giving me a long list of health problems that stop me from doing daily activities I don't have much to lose...but everything to gain.

So the next time I am out I will be buying meal replacement powder or protein powder, or atleast a general powder aimed at weight gain.

I will keep you updated on results.

Wish me luck.

My 19th birthday in Kings Cross

Recently I celebrated my 19th birthday.

I went to a Kings Cross in Sydney. Quite a famous strip of clubs (pun intended).

It was such a shock. It was like stepping into another world. I come from a fairly large city just two hours from Sydney but it's nothing compared to Sydney, or the cities of places like the US.

A night clubbing where I live, you see everyone you know and grew up with through the highschools, everyone knows everyone. In Sydney I could be annonymous, I could be anyone I wanted for the night and it was so refreshing, I could wear what I wanted and act how I wanted because unlike my usual nights out I wouldnt see people who had known me since being a child.

I wore leather stiletto boots but teamed them with jeans to not look like a hooker, which are very common in "the cross" as it is called, so I suppose either way I would of fitted right in. I wore my big statement red lipstick but once again teamed it with not so dark eyes as to not look like a hooker.

I went out with two males who really know how to party and it was an absolutely amazing night that I will never forget.

All together I've estimated I did 28 shots, proof that the alcohol is watered down, because as a very small framed female, no matter how seasoned I am, doing 28 shots in a time frame of about 2 hours should of put me in hospital.

Walking along the street men tried to hand me cards advertising their strip club. Knowing that if they convince me the two males I have in my company will follow.

One image I remember clearly is that of two girls sitting on a bus bench as the crowd of thousands move along the street, both dark haired and with heavy makeup smudged all over their faces. One had her head buried in her hands and tears streaming down her face and the other offering comfort. They appeared to be strippers or prostitutes of some sort and I kept thinking that I would never be able to understand what ever was behind those tears, that something led to them living that life and I never wanted to be the girl sitting on the bus bench with mascara running down my face.

Where I live it is notorious for the few clubs we have for being fairly bad but we don't have anything on Kings Cross. The main difference I noticed was that where I live you never see policemen at night on the streets which might be why even though Kings Cross is very bad place our lack of policemen put as at an equal standard. In Kings cross I must of seen atleast 60 scattered along the strip of clubs that is known to be the busiest part of Australia at that time of night. I crossed the road as two policemen rode past on horseback, holding up traffic but to my surprise not gaining the stares of passers by, to them it was just another night.

For me it was a crazy night, for others its a lifestyle. The glitter never gets washed off and mascara is merely applied over the top of what remains of the night before.