A note I left myself whilst drunk.....

"You are responsible for your own actions - deal with your drinking problem"

Clearly I am an intelligent drunk, even my drunk self is concerned for me.

The question I have been pondering the answer to lately is, when is it too much. Where do you draw the line between having a few too many and having a problem.

I quite simply have labeled myself as having a problem because I have been having cravings for alcohol. Its not a huge problem, I have been ignoring these cravings. It would be a big problem if the cravings were so strong that I went and got a drink every time. Growing up I always thought alcohol was pretty much PURE EVIL and wouldnt touch it. Now I drink it a lot, but I don't tend to let myself get out of control drunk, in fact I genuinely like the taste. I drink VERY often but when I do drink I only have 3-4 drinks. When I compare that to my peers I really dont know what to think. As most of my peers drink far less frequently but the quantity of what they drink in one night for some of them beats what I drink in a week.

Or maybe I should just listen to the note I wrote myself and take my own advice.

My weight

This has always been an issue for me. I suffer with my weight alot. The difference with me though is that my problem is I'm far too skinny. I'm underweight and always have been. Its not that I don't eat, I do. Mostly its that I stress too much and I loose weight that way or I do eat but just not a large enough quantity.

So at the moment I weigh 39kgs. I'm publicly announcing it and am going to continue to record it on my blog so that I am forced to face it and deal with it.

According to the doctor I need to be 48 before I'm in my healthy weight range (I'm very short and have a small frame).

At my heaviest I was almost 42, at my lightest (in the past year) I was 36.

I have 9 kgs to go before I'm in a healthy weight range.

Please note: I know I'm skinny, I do not at all have an eating disorder because I do not have a distorted image of my body, I do not hate my body, I do not starve myself, I like my body and I can admit that putting on a few kgs would do me some good.

Meltdown.

I just dont understand anymore. I dont understand myself let alone what is going on around me. Why do I let my mind analyse everything. I can't help but go over the same topic in circles around and around. I can't sleep at night. I am constantly having panic attacks. I havent been like this for months. I'm losing my grip on it all. I'll soon be on the bathroom floor. Fighting it all, constantly trying to hold it back, hold that door shut. Crying myself to sleep at night, not knowing if the next day will be any better, not knowing if it will bring a smile. I don't want it to be like this, I don't want to be like this. I cant remember what its like to be happy for more than a day. I need to be happy but I dont know how. I dont know what will stop these feelings.

A bitch and a Car

Not starting that clerical job for a while. It has been delayed for the second time. Which is a shame because I was actually looking forward to it, especially the money. So here comes another month or so where I am strapped for cash, unable to grant myself the many things I have on my ever growing wish list, like a leather jacket (faux of course), leather boots and a new handbag.

I still havent been practising driving. Which means I cant go for my test yet which means no licence which means no life...see the pickle I'm in, yes?

In other news I now have a car, well i will in like a week or so. It was one of many that belonged to my parents company which they just sold. And the buyers happened to not want this vehicle, mainly I think because it was a sales car and not a working vehicle. So the deal is that its mine and I'm going to pay it off, which is pretty awesome and gives me a great opportunity without being a spoilt little brat becasue in the end I will of course be paying for it and not having it jsut handed to me but can use it before I have all the money.

I'm a little excited about it.

Just a little ;)